Set your grip and just hold on until its over

My follow up appointment, in which I had the smallest shred of hope that my dates were wrong revealed that my body had already began resolving the pregnancy. That was a Wednesday, there was a large bleed so we waited the weekend to see if the miscarriage would naturally happen on its own.

IT DIDN'T.

I was prescribed some pain meds and a medicine called Misoprostol to begin contractions for the miscarriage to take place. In my eyes, things were happening and I thought it had worked. 
Until today. 

Per the doctor not enough has happened and I need to retake the medicine to get the rest to come out, if it fails again I will need a D&C. 

I would consider myself a strong women, but this is such a personal and emotional thing that I just don't know how much more I can take. I will get through it and be fine and stronger in the end I know. I am finding it very hard to not be angry and bitter about this whole thing. 

I am being honest, maybe in the future (heaven forbid) someone else will be going through a similar situation and find this post. I just want this over, not that I want to forget about it, but I want to move on. I need to move on. There is some kind of new perspective at work, my heart feels like everything is ok and I'm ready to just go forward but my mind is still picking everything apart. Its an emotional roller coaster, I can't even think straight. Just erasing the thoughts you had in your head, the plans your were making and the dreams of what you thought your new bundle would be like and then that's just gone. The adverse side is the physical side, I have a high pain tolerance but this just makes it so hard. The medicine had me shaking uncontrollably, then the cramps set in than who could forget the actual bleeding and clots. (GAG!) Personally my least favorite of the child birthing experience. If the baby book your reading doesn't tell you let me just prepare you. I'll preface this by saying that there is NO WAY to politely or softly describe what is going to happen after you deliver your new babe.You will bleed A LOT, you will CRAMP, feel gross, bloated and as if standing up to use the bathroom isn't hard enough a nurse or doctor will come in every so ofter to massage your belly aka push on it. That being my LEAST FAVORITE of it all. 

I digress, that experience is similar to what this is like. Standing up and using the bathroom is like an ordeal and its horrible. The emotional side then kicks in and I remember the last time I had to go through all this at least I had a gorgeous healthy newborn safe and sound in her little plastic bassinet. 

My only thought now honestly is to keep walking. Obviously, its not like I have a choice but I'm not going to wallow in this. I'm not damaged, less of a women or inept. This stuff happens and I'm lucky to have my girls and I will have another baby if and when the time is right. I have no fear that this isn't part of my "plan". I wasn't expecting all this mess where my brain and heart is ready to move on  but my body isn't cooperating.. Hopefully this is the final treatment and everything will work out and I can continue on. 

I'm not going to say this is the end of the world, it's not. I wouldn't wish this on anyone though. 
I'm not going to say I'm happy it happened, but I feel oddly resolved and more aware. I feel like I learned something and not just from the actual miscarriage but about myself and my body. I'll fight until the plan is for me to not fight anymore. And then I'll fight to have that plan changed too. Just got to hold on until its over. 

UPDATE: The second dose of the medication was unsuccessful so I am scheduled for the D&C first thing in the morning.  Wish me luck!

Homemade Pumpkin Pie Creamer

You need:
1/3 can pumpkin
1/2 tsp pumpkin spice
1tsp vanilla extract
2 cups milk (2% works well)
1/4 c brown sugar

In a bowl mix all ingredients
Microwave until bubbling and hot (about 4 minutes)
Cool then strain through mesh strainer with a coffee filter in it.
Stir the mixture around until a most of the visible milk is out then remove filter and let thick mix sit in mesh to remove final liquid.

**Creamer won't be very "sweet". I did this because my husband uses splenda for sweet and I use a little sugar to sweeten.

BREW COFFEE add cream and sugar and enjoy!!

EASY 20 min Homestyle Chicken & Dumplings

I have NEVER MADE this before, but my husband always wants it. Today is his lucky day because I felt inventive and adventurous. Here's what you need (in order of steps)

Large Carrot (sliced)
1/4c Yellow Onion (chopped)
2.5 cups Water
1 Swanson Flavor Boost Chicken Stock Packet
1 can of Cream of Chicken soup
1 large chicken breast (cubed down to bite size chucks)
3/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
4 tbsp flour

DUMPLINGS- {{ 2.5c Bisquick 2/3c milk- maybe more to form a stiff dough}

In a large stock pot mix carrot, onion, water and flavor packet
Bring to a boil

Add 1 can of Campbells Cream of Chicken

 **Dumplings-  Mix until stiff dough forms, knead 3 times then roll until 1/2" thick, slice into strips or squares 1"x1"

 Drop into boiling broth 

Add chick to pot

Simmer for 10-15 minutes

season with salt & pepper to taste

we were so enticed by the amazing aroma I forgot to take photos, had to grab a shot of my 3 yr old's bowl. you can see her little reflection in the spoon.

if needed (remove some broth and pour into a small bowl, mix well with flour until paste forms, slowly add paste to simmering pot until desired thickness is reached. 

AMAZING cinnamon rolls from canned biscuits

I was seriously craving some cinnamon rolls but didn't feel like grabbing the flour and baking essentials to make dough from scratch. I did however have a roll of canned biscuits
 in the fridge so I thought WHAT THE HELL!

You need a:
can of biscuits- I used the Southern Style (YUMMMM!!)
1/8 c sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
4 tbsp butter (about half a stick)

For the frosting, I attempted to recreate the Cinnabon frosting and its pretty close..
You need:
4 tbsp cream cheese
4 tbsp butter
3/4 powdered sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp lemon juice


Easy-
Mix softened butter with sugar and cinnamon

Fold in half and roll into long pieces. These tubes will have a seam that will open.





With spoon or spatula spread the butter mix down the length of the dough.









Roll it up.
Do this for all the biscuits and lay them on their sides in a cake pan or greased pyrex.

Bake at 350* for 20-22 min until golden brown.



While baking in a small bowl whip room temp. butter and cream cheese together. Slowly add sugar continuing to mix. Whip mixture for a few minutes then add vanilla and lemon and whip until combined.

My oldest wanted to sneak a taste while I was snapping the picture.

When rolls come out of the oven, let cool enough to pick up with hand then frost.

MY HUSBAND & GIRLS LOVED THESE. My hubs couldn't believe they were just canned biscuits and he is convinced I bought the frosting from the store.

Questions..

There are lots of questions on women's minds.. from the humorous to the intensely serious. I'd love to hear what questions you have. No matter how funny or strange. I'd love to answer these questions with both my opinion and try to find a professional to chime in as well.

I feel that these questions can help solidify your thoughts, feelings or provide you new information. And by you asking them, other women might find answers too. 

Comment with your question below.. you might see it on a future post or possibly in my book.

Emotion Vent

I've been working on a book on and off for a few months now. Just my ramblings about life, being a mom, building my business and juggling everything. This is one of the stories included in my book-in-progress. (disclaimer- this post is about as serious as I get, be prepared. It is not a fun subject.)

A few weeks ago I posted on my page about the difficulty going from 2 children to 3..

Friends messaged me, jokingly suggesting that I would probably just get pregnant by surprise and the choice wasn't mine anyway. "girl, every time you tell us your planning, you end up pregnant the next month. don't you know its not up to you" OH, how the punches keep coming. The morning following this post I was hit with a stomach bug and for whatever reason I grabbed the spare pregnancy test I keep in the medical basket thinking it would be negative and my nerves and paranoia would dissolve.. 

WRONG. I've never seen a positive sign appear so fast. To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the century. Starring at the plastic test as if I developed some sort of super power to make the + a -. saying..... "No, No, No, No this isn't happening! Holy Sh*T. This is a joke!" then the talking turns into a complete break down of sobbing. Getting my husband on the phone then calling a friend and just everyone sharing in the shock. DAMN YOU FATE! You made me post that yesterday and make me look like an idiot.. well played my friend, well played.


I was reserved in telling too many people. I just didn't want to spread the word yet just in case. A lesson learned after my first miscarriage. This pregnancy felt different. I wasn't excited, attached or really accepting of it, but in my head we just moved into our new house and this blind sided me so maybe the reservation of emotion was normal. Huge waves of nausea, extreme tiredness and the other normal symptoms began to take shape, so now just to wait for the first doctors appointment.


I had apprehensions going in. They saw me at 7 and a half weeks, which is standard for someone with past miscarriages. Bringing a friend with me for fear of bad news and telling my doctor that this pregnancy really worried me and hadn't felt right. I told him I was very nervous and should something be wrong and I quote my exact words "if there is nothing there, just tell me the computer is broken and I'll understand." I shielded my eyes and kept them pinned on my friend, as soon as the lights turned off I was washed over with the nostalgia of sitting in this position awaiting to see my girls when we went for their first sonos. This time that brief moment of nostalgia was met with silence.

My doctors voice broke the quiet with a firm and pointed voice " are you sure of your dates".
He didn't have to say anything else, my heart sank. "yes, I wrote them on my phone calendar."
"lauren, I need you to look at the screen"
dammit! i thought.. ughh with an exhale I looked at the black and gray screen.
"this is your gestational sac and this white circle is a yolk sac. Lauren I don't think this will be a successful pregnancy for you"

He was honest and calm, I appreciated it. We discussed our next steps which is a few blood tests to check my numbers and depending on the results what measures will be taken over next week.

My voice was cracking as I searched for questions, information or answers. ....keep it together, keep it together....
"Is this something I can expect to be normal for me? Is this what happened with the last miscarriage? I there something wrong with my eggs?"

The answer was simple and I'm sure for those reading and up to this point in my story, the answers you received were similar. "miscarriages happen for various reasons and happen frequently. I don't know that the 2 were the same situation but from my perspective you have had a baby, miscarriage, baby, miscarriage so we know your body can deliver a full term child. We have to see what the numbers are and we'll talk on Monday about what to do next. Lauren, I'm sorry."

Walking out of the doctors office without the flimsy, glossed photo sheet of images to share with family and friends was different. I think I suspected something to be wrong, but I didn't think I was right in that assumption. I cracked when I got to the driver's seat. It's not easy by any means or any stage. I am thankful that if this is a miscarriage it is early on. From the second you find out your have conceived, no matter how shocking or surprising the news, you take on the role of mother. You may notice your hands on your lower belly unconsciously cradling your new bundle. You protect your womb, your pregnancy and your new baby, even in its smallest size. I feel like I failed, my body didn't protect my pregnancy, but it is doing what medically the human body is supposed to do if it feels that the embryo or genetics are damaged or unfit, it aborts the pregnancy. My dad's a doctor, a very well known and respected doctor, I grew up with medical explanations, I understand these situations in the anatomical sense. 

BUT I'm healthy, young, fit. I don't get it. What happened. AGAIN! I think the shock comes from the unknown. Should we venture to try again or attempt to plan for another, I have no sense of what went wrong or that I can't prevent another miscarriage. I think that is where my faith comes in. I have faith that my plan will be executed as it should be. My pain and stories may be part of the plan to learn and help others. Validate their feelings, shock and guilt. I feel guilty, like in some way I let my friends and family down. That my body let me down. Those feelings are then dismissed and disolve to "it happens, it will all work out, it always does. This is in the plan even if I hate that it is.

I don't look for sympathy as I'm sure those who have experienced this didn't.That's definitely not why I'm writing this essay. When other women came to me and shared their experience I found hope, peace and calm. "It's not just me. they felt guilty too" Don't feel bad for me, just stand by my side should I need to lean on you to collect my thoughts.

Now I wait.. what a long weekend it will be. I know what might be awaiting me and finding out you may miscarry is nothing in comparison to the physical lose of the pregnancy. A short lived few days that will test your mind, soul and emotions. You can't stop it and for my first miscarriage I remember sitting on my hands in the car on the way to the doctor, palms up. "Lauren, you can't hold it in. You're not going to stop the bleeding babe, just relax and take some breathes." my husbands voice alone, regardless of the words spoken is so soothing and he was right. I didn't stop it. I fear the same now as I am typing, should the numbers be dissipating, I won't be able to stop the process. My body has made up its mind.

I hope that in any case though there is very little hope that my numbers are wrong, I know stranger things have happened. I know I'll be fine, stronger, wiser more resilient. I can get through this and I'll be ok. I just have to make it though the weekend to see what my choices are and from there life will continue to hand me challenges, surprises and tests and should it hand me another plastic one in a foil sleeve, I will welcome it as I have the last 4. Everything happens for a reason, even if you don't know what that reason is or understand it."

 

I hope this was inspiring, validating and encouraging for some of you. You are not alone. My hope is that my writings will make you laugh, give you a daily read, the occasional craft or recipe and in this situation some light. Light that shows you the truth, honestly and words, you may not have been able to find on your own. Another women's experience and perspective that will help you in situations to grieve, grow and find a light of your own. 

2 white pearls for purity and a infant/pregnancy loss ribbon.

Leave your comments below, should you be so compelled. They may help me or others looking for light.

my public statement-- the breastfeeding story

CONTINUED.. from my Jewelry page. I like to post topics and subjects that I find interesting. I also like to share these with my fans. I felt it necessary to have this little public statement.. LOL! 

So there is a story in the press right now about a college professor who brought her sick infant to the first day of class. The child was sick, therefore couldn't go to daycare and she didn't want to miss the first day. Cut to the baby who began to cry so she did what she thought was appropriate to soothe the situation. GIVE the baby the BOOB.

Here's the thing... I don't think this is the place.. 18 & 19 yr old kids are probably not going to respect you as an authority or educator no matter how right or wrong public feeding is when you whip it out for all to see. For instance a professor with a crop top exposing a her belly button; liberal, creative, whatever, they are students, they need to study their books not your freckles. I don't like most parents would tolerate going to parent-teacher conferences and the teacher has a micro-mini on with her cash and prizes almost exposed. (no matter how young and physically fit, btw do you p90x, I digress, about spelling and math) I can't image giving a presentation or hosting a jewelry party and trying to look professional in a room of even peers with no cover while breastfeeding. I don't want to say there is a time and place but if your walking around the mall and stop by a bench, THAT, in my opinion is different than being in the role of a professional and already the center of attention. (like giving a speech).

This topic got pretty powerful on my jewelry page and then was taken down. If your goal as a PRO-boob mom/women is to have people NOT make a big deal of it then you go and force it on people and throw the situation in their face you are not doing what you set out for. You are creating the opposite, you are making it a big deal and a publicity stunt. If you want to nurse your child in public, by all means. Should you announce to the restaurant " I'm gonna breast feed now, if it offends you LOOK AWAY"........  NOOOOOO!!! You can't force things on people they lose respect for the very action you are there to protect and justify.

For instance, I'll be honest with you.. I didn't breast feed my girls (enter gasps, shrieks and sighs, I know. )  If that makes me an unfit mother or bad mother in your eyes, what a sad world you must live in to judge people. My reason why, you ask. Well, I didn't want to. I have had a reconstructive surgery to one breast which doesn't function and it was just not for me. I couldn't wrap my head around it and I think that's fine. Do what works for you. Are my girls healthy? YES. When nurses and other mother's gave me the "you really should, its better. Reconsider it for the child's benefit" lecture honestly it infuriated me. Your attempt to "educate me" made me uncomfortable with your role as my peer for attempting to take the pride and instinct for raising my child as I feel necessary away from me.  It should be just as much your choice TO breastfeed as mine NOT to. I don't want you pushing your "belief" on me, just as I don't come to you and tell you, your kid should have a coat on it's breezy outside and they MAY catch a cold" You'd look at me like- WHO THE HELL...  I think you should do what is comfortable and comes natural to you, especially as a parent. We use our instincts, we rely on our body to tell us what to do and what feels right. (My body was like... UMM yea can we talk about this whole suckling thing, not so much into it.) 

It's just one of those topics. Is it right, wrong, justified, controversial.. I don't know. All I know is I did what was right for me and in the case of the teacher, it may have been right for her and the infant but when students are paying for your time and knowledge I think this could have been handled differently. I just know that my personality is like " hey if the shoe fits", "whatever floats your boat", "don't knock it til' you try it". The shoe was too small, my boat sunk and I tried it and it wasn't happening. I just get upset when people judge an action rather than an intention.. Like the teacher- is the boob a HORRIBLE thing.. no, was the action permissible, I don't know. Was the intention good- THAT is up for debate, did she throw it in their face to make a point or statement? Who knows? Should an infant be in a lecture hall at a college? Probably not. If I were one of the parents paying $900 for that class and the teacher is dividing the time between lecture and nursing, I'd be pretty upset, just like if she had been texting or knitting.

Regardless that is my piece. I love being a mom, I love my girls and I love being a women. I don't think anyone can take that away from me. Women are passionate, motivated and strong, I don't think I need to prove it to people on a stage, I think the delivery room visit did that for me already.

Just my venting for the day..  It's not meant to offend or choose sides of right and wrong. I am simply expressing what my thought is and what my choice was.  ((hearts)) Lauren

Simple Fall Wreath

I love making holiday wreathes, I have never made on for fall so this was fun and I love the result.. This wreathe cost me under $15 at Micheal's for the supplies.(and a little Scarecow from the dollar aisle of Target)

I used a Grapevine wreath I love the texture, the rustic quality and the dark brown. Then I grabbed some golden glitter stems from the "holiday" wreath area and some fall flowers from the floral department that were 99 cents each..

I clipped the flowers off the main stem (about 4-5" below the actual flower head) then laid them out on the wreath to see how I wanted them.. Then its as easy as sticking the stem through and I bend the end of the stem (which has wire in it) into a "U" shape and stuck it back through just to help anchor and secure it.  No Glue! .Then stuck the staked scarecrow on, clipped the extra length of stick and voi-la.

I think my total for this project was $2 for the flowers, $2.99 for the wreath and $6 for the glitter stems- All on sale! 

LOVE IT! and a fun afternoon project while the girls napped and played... 

REPURPOSE- Mail Sorter

I recently visited TJMaxx and while browsing the many items that were filling my head with endless possibilities I stumbled upon this edgy and industrial looking Mail sorter or paper organizer.. I LOVED it. But what to do with it, cause lets face it I would put mail and papers into it, but "sorting/organizing" would be a lost cause after that.

So I decided that ideally, it is just a flat basket and baskets hold lots of things. In my kitchen they hold my potatoes and citrus.. so THERE! I hung the organizer easily with 2 hanging screws (make sure its at a height where you can reach items in the bottom of the basket) and labeled the 2 baskets and my little $15.00 find looks awesome in my kitchen.

Fall Boot Favorites under $50

I LOVE BOOTS! They are probably one of my favorite things to shop for. They come in so many styles, colors, materials and looks. Funky, casual, classy, edgy, sexy and soft.  They add edge and style to your bundled up looks and OF COURSE they are just FUN & FABULOUS!!
 Here are some of my Favorites under $50. For easy shopping I made the Name Captions links to the websites for purchase. Happy Fall Boot Shopping!

Blowfish Runner $49.00- Zappos.com

Brooks by XAPPEAL On Sale Now!$44.99- RackRoomShoes

Hailey Jeans Co. Plush 1  $32.45- ShoeBuy.com

Westbuitti Whitney $37.45- ShoeBuy.com

Ukala Sydney by EMU Australia Sydney Low On Sale $44.95- ShoeBuy.com

Beston Wild-02 $45.95- ShoeBuy.com

Women's Sammi Strap Boot $34.99- Payless

Women's Pixie Western Boot $44.99- Payless