Emotion Vent

I've been working on a book on and off for a few months now. Just my ramblings about life, being a mom, building my business and juggling everything. This is one of the stories included in my book-in-progress. (disclaimer- this post is about as serious as I get, be prepared. It is not a fun subject.)

A few weeks ago I posted on my page about the difficulty going from 2 children to 3..

Friends messaged me, jokingly suggesting that I would probably just get pregnant by surprise and the choice wasn't mine anyway. "girl, every time you tell us your planning, you end up pregnant the next month. don't you know its not up to you" OH, how the punches keep coming. The morning following this post I was hit with a stomach bug and for whatever reason I grabbed the spare pregnancy test I keep in the medical basket thinking it would be negative and my nerves and paranoia would dissolve.. 

WRONG. I've never seen a positive sign appear so fast. To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the century. Starring at the plastic test as if I developed some sort of super power to make the + a -. saying..... "No, No, No, No this isn't happening! Holy Sh*T. This is a joke!" then the talking turns into a complete break down of sobbing. Getting my husband on the phone then calling a friend and just everyone sharing in the shock. DAMN YOU FATE! You made me post that yesterday and make me look like an idiot.. well played my friend, well played.


I was reserved in telling too many people. I just didn't want to spread the word yet just in case. A lesson learned after my first miscarriage. This pregnancy felt different. I wasn't excited, attached or really accepting of it, but in my head we just moved into our new house and this blind sided me so maybe the reservation of emotion was normal. Huge waves of nausea, extreme tiredness and the other normal symptoms began to take shape, so now just to wait for the first doctors appointment.


I had apprehensions going in. They saw me at 7 and a half weeks, which is standard for someone with past miscarriages. Bringing a friend with me for fear of bad news and telling my doctor that this pregnancy really worried me and hadn't felt right. I told him I was very nervous and should something be wrong and I quote my exact words "if there is nothing there, just tell me the computer is broken and I'll understand." I shielded my eyes and kept them pinned on my friend, as soon as the lights turned off I was washed over with the nostalgia of sitting in this position awaiting to see my girls when we went for their first sonos. This time that brief moment of nostalgia was met with silence.

My doctors voice broke the quiet with a firm and pointed voice " are you sure of your dates".
He didn't have to say anything else, my heart sank. "yes, I wrote them on my phone calendar."
"lauren, I need you to look at the screen"
dammit! i thought.. ughh with an exhale I looked at the black and gray screen.
"this is your gestational sac and this white circle is a yolk sac. Lauren I don't think this will be a successful pregnancy for you"

He was honest and calm, I appreciated it. We discussed our next steps which is a few blood tests to check my numbers and depending on the results what measures will be taken over next week.

My voice was cracking as I searched for questions, information or answers. ....keep it together, keep it together....
"Is this something I can expect to be normal for me? Is this what happened with the last miscarriage? I there something wrong with my eggs?"

The answer was simple and I'm sure for those reading and up to this point in my story, the answers you received were similar. "miscarriages happen for various reasons and happen frequently. I don't know that the 2 were the same situation but from my perspective you have had a baby, miscarriage, baby, miscarriage so we know your body can deliver a full term child. We have to see what the numbers are and we'll talk on Monday about what to do next. Lauren, I'm sorry."

Walking out of the doctors office without the flimsy, glossed photo sheet of images to share with family and friends was different. I think I suspected something to be wrong, but I didn't think I was right in that assumption. I cracked when I got to the driver's seat. It's not easy by any means or any stage. I am thankful that if this is a miscarriage it is early on. From the second you find out your have conceived, no matter how shocking or surprising the news, you take on the role of mother. You may notice your hands on your lower belly unconsciously cradling your new bundle. You protect your womb, your pregnancy and your new baby, even in its smallest size. I feel like I failed, my body didn't protect my pregnancy, but it is doing what medically the human body is supposed to do if it feels that the embryo or genetics are damaged or unfit, it aborts the pregnancy. My dad's a doctor, a very well known and respected doctor, I grew up with medical explanations, I understand these situations in the anatomical sense. 

BUT I'm healthy, young, fit. I don't get it. What happened. AGAIN! I think the shock comes from the unknown. Should we venture to try again or attempt to plan for another, I have no sense of what went wrong or that I can't prevent another miscarriage. I think that is where my faith comes in. I have faith that my plan will be executed as it should be. My pain and stories may be part of the plan to learn and help others. Validate their feelings, shock and guilt. I feel guilty, like in some way I let my friends and family down. That my body let me down. Those feelings are then dismissed and disolve to "it happens, it will all work out, it always does. This is in the plan even if I hate that it is.

I don't look for sympathy as I'm sure those who have experienced this didn't.That's definitely not why I'm writing this essay. When other women came to me and shared their experience I found hope, peace and calm. "It's not just me. they felt guilty too" Don't feel bad for me, just stand by my side should I need to lean on you to collect my thoughts.

Now I wait.. what a long weekend it will be. I know what might be awaiting me and finding out you may miscarry is nothing in comparison to the physical lose of the pregnancy. A short lived few days that will test your mind, soul and emotions. You can't stop it and for my first miscarriage I remember sitting on my hands in the car on the way to the doctor, palms up. "Lauren, you can't hold it in. You're not going to stop the bleeding babe, just relax and take some breathes." my husbands voice alone, regardless of the words spoken is so soothing and he was right. I didn't stop it. I fear the same now as I am typing, should the numbers be dissipating, I won't be able to stop the process. My body has made up its mind.

I hope that in any case though there is very little hope that my numbers are wrong, I know stranger things have happened. I know I'll be fine, stronger, wiser more resilient. I can get through this and I'll be ok. I just have to make it though the weekend to see what my choices are and from there life will continue to hand me challenges, surprises and tests and should it hand me another plastic one in a foil sleeve, I will welcome it as I have the last 4. Everything happens for a reason, even if you don't know what that reason is or understand it."

 

I hope this was inspiring, validating and encouraging for some of you. You are not alone. My hope is that my writings will make you laugh, give you a daily read, the occasional craft or recipe and in this situation some light. Light that shows you the truth, honestly and words, you may not have been able to find on your own. Another women's experience and perspective that will help you in situations to grieve, grow and find a light of your own. 

2 white pearls for purity and a infant/pregnancy loss ribbon.

Leave your comments below, should you be so compelled. They may help me or others looking for light.