My follow up appointment, in which I had the smallest shred of hope that my dates were wrong revealed that my body had already began resolving the pregnancy. That was a Wednesday, there was a large bleed so we waited the weekend to see if the miscarriage would naturally happen on its own.
IT DIDN'T.
I was prescribed some pain meds and a medicine called Misoprostol to begin contractions for the miscarriage to take place. In my eyes, things were happening and I thought it had worked.
Until today.
Per the doctor not enough has happened and I need to retake the medicine to get the rest to come out, if it fails again I will need a D&C.
I would consider myself a strong women, but this is such a personal and emotional thing that I just don't know how much more I can take. I will get through it and be fine and stronger in the end I know. I am finding it very hard to not be angry and bitter about this whole thing.
I am being honest, maybe in the future (heaven forbid) someone else will be going through a similar situation and find this post. I just want this over, not that I want to forget about it, but I want to move on. I need to move on. There is some kind of new perspective at work, my heart feels like everything is ok and I'm ready to just go forward but my mind is still picking everything apart. Its an emotional roller coaster, I can't even think straight. Just erasing the thoughts you had in your head, the plans your were making and the dreams of what you thought your new bundle would be like and then that's just gone. The adverse side is the physical side, I have a high pain tolerance but this just makes it so hard. The medicine had me shaking uncontrollably, then the cramps set in than who could forget the actual bleeding and clots. (GAG!) Personally my least favorite of the child birthing experience. If the baby book your reading doesn't tell you let me just prepare you. I'll preface this by saying that there is NO WAY to politely or softly describe what is going to happen after you deliver your new babe.You will bleed A LOT, you will CRAMP, feel gross, bloated and as if standing up to use the bathroom isn't hard enough a nurse or doctor will come in every so ofter to massage your belly aka push on it. That being my LEAST FAVORITE of it all.
I digress, that experience is similar to what this is like. Standing up and using the bathroom is like an ordeal and its horrible. The emotional side then kicks in and I remember the last time I had to go through all this at least I had a gorgeous healthy newborn safe and sound in her little plastic bassinet.
My only thought now honestly is to keep walking. Obviously, its not like I have a choice but I'm not going to wallow in this. I'm not damaged, less of a women or inept. This stuff happens and I'm lucky to have my girls and I will have another baby if and when the time is right. I have no fear that this isn't part of my "plan". I wasn't expecting all this mess where my brain and heart is ready to move on but my body isn't cooperating.. Hopefully this is the final treatment and everything will work out and I can continue on.
I'm not going to say this is the end of the world, it's not. I wouldn't wish this on anyone though.
I'm not going to say I'm happy it happened, but I feel oddly resolved and more aware. I feel like I learned something and not just from the actual miscarriage but about myself and my body. I'll fight until the plan is for me to not fight anymore. And then I'll fight to have that plan changed too. Just got to hold on until its over.
UPDATE: The second dose of the medication was unsuccessful so I am scheduled for the D&C first thing in the morning. Wish me luck!
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